Krikor Kradjian
Translated by Vahe H. Apelian
“Tell me. Is there anyone who has not made a mistake in her life?”
This is how Frida started telling me her story. That is to say her life’s story and continued recounting it with one breathe.
She appeared to be at peace with her fate and had given in to life’s monotony. Although she had lived through many sad days, she voiced no discontent and felt no need to complain. If she were to complain, there was no one that would lend her ear. Who would have listened to her? As she reminisced of old days, it was impossible from her facial expressions to discern the happy and joyful from the sad and the unpleasant. It was not possible to tell whether it was a pleasant memory or an instant moment of anguish that occasionally put a smile on her face.
I was oblivious to her story when I met Frida, a lady past her middle age. She appeared tranquil and content. Her smile was contagious and her laughter radiant. She was an employee in an insurance company and all she appeared to look for was to spend the remainder of her life with no drama. She was approachable and friendly and gave a healthy laughter when I mustered the courage and told her:
- “Frida, I imagine you were beautiful and attractive in your teenage years and most likely stirred the hearts of many.”
- “Why, don't you find me beautiful now?”
- “Oh no, don't misunderstand me. I did not mean to say you are any less attractive now.”
- “Yes, you are right, but let me tell you; of all the mistakes in my life that particular one was the worst and the most consequential.”
***
I imagine teenager Frida was a stunningly beautiful with her face looking like a bright colored painting with her blond hair overflowing over her shoulders. Her green colored eyes, like emeralds, that seemed to express the teenager's aspirations. Her cheeks were like two sun satiated apricots, rendierng the young lady bashful as her smile looked like the reflection of the sun on her face and her lips, as if slices of mandarines that fascinate an onlooker. No wonder, when she walked on the street, or rather when, like a butterfly, she fluttered, passerbyes forgot for a moment their everyday distresses and thought how lovely life was.
But, an event in her early age had left an indelible impression on her.
“When I was eight or nine years old, I was more like a tomboy, a bit overweight, with short hair, restless and lively. I remember one day my father instructed me to fetch something from a neighbor, 'uncle’ Mounir. I presented myself to him and told him that I have been sent to pick up a package he had prepared for my father. "Yes" he said, "the package is the inside that room you may go there and pick it up yourself". I went inside without much thought and started looking around for the package when suddenly I realized that he was attempting to hug me and kiss me. I attempted to flee but the door was locked. The windows were shut too. All i could do was scream loudly. He tried to calm me down and when he found me shrieking, he opened the door to let me out. I was so panicked that while going out I hurried down the stairs falling a few times. He tried to lure me by tossing money and comforting me with tender words but all I wanted was to get away as fast as I could. I have no recollection how I made it home. On my return, my father, instead of inquiring about my panicked and shocked state, realizing that I did not have the package he had instructed me to bring, slapped me for being so clumsy. I remember crying for the next two days without having the courage to tell my parents. After a few days, I mustered the courage and told my mother what had happened. My parents severed their ties with ‘uncle’ Munir. But the damage was done. From that day on I could not stand a man touching me. Later on, whenever my husband tried to approach me, I avoided him but without being able to tell him the reason for my rejection.”
***
Civil war broke in Lebanon in 1975. Frida's family lived along the thoroughfare that divided Beirut into two opposing camps. Militiamen stationed on both sides of the streets. Snipers positioned themselves on the rooftops and appeared targeting people indiscriminately at will, as if for amusement. The constant bombardment scarred the buildings making the exterior walls look like Swiss cheese. Whenever the bombardment intensified, the eight members of the Frida's family sought shelter in the basement or wherever they thought it’s the safest in the building to hunker down until the bombardment stopped. And whenever the warlords announced a ceasefire, her father ventured out to purchase food while the youngsters took the opportunity to go out and socialize with people of their age playing recreational games on the street.
Those who had the means left the 'line of fire' to secure parts of the city. The families who continued to stay there had to contend daily with life and death. The hardship of the civil war and the strain it caused on her father were too much for the patriarch of the family who suddenly passed away leaving the family in despair.
After the death of her husband, Frida's mother Nadia Khoury, took upon herself to fill the shoes of her husband as well. As a single mother, she put the safety of her children above anything else, much like a mother hen would gather her chicks under her wing; she took her children under her wings and brought them to a small apartment in a secure section of the city leaving behind their comfortable house. Nadia provided for her family through tailoring. Without expecting any assistance from anyone else, she also provided for her children’s schooling. Dignity and self-sufficiency were paramount to the Khoury family.
Frida was the middle child among her siblings. She made the mirror her bosom friend. She would spend hours checking herself on the mirror. The adolescent girl had become conscious that she attracted the attention of shopkeepers in her neighborhood. Frida considered them as uncle and acknowledged their attention and responded with hearty and friendly salutation.
- “Good morning 'uncle' Charbel.”
- “How are you doing today 'uncle' Joseph”
But deep down she was not happy with her physical appearance. She thought that she lacked beauty and remained wandering whom to blame, her parents or simply her fate.
- “When you are poor, you see everything around you ugly, even yourself. There have been evenings that we went to bed on empty stomach. After returning from school I stayed home to wash, dry and iron my only dress to wear it the next day.”
***
It was the first day of school in her new neighborhood.
The students were gathered in the schoolyard waiting for the class bell to ring. The boys of the graduating class acted almost as if they owned the schoolyard. They spoke loudly, laughed and they seemed to be looking for students to bully. Their female classmates were chatting separately, as there appeared to be a lot for the girls to gossip. The day’s topic for them appeared to be the new student, Frida, whom they seemed to be gauging as their rival. She was presentable and impeccably dressed. They thought of her coming from a well off family and was most probably spoiled too. They concluded that it would not be easy to befriend her.
The gazes of the boys were also discreetly directed at the new student as well who was standing alone, coy and reluctant to mingle with the rest. They appeared to be wondering whether they should ignore her or invite her to join the group. Fouad, one of the students, saved the situation and invited her to join.
***
- “You know, I'll never forgot when you approached and said to me: Hi, my name is Fouad, I think you're in our class. Would you like to join us?”
- “Now here's a secret i'll let you know. I made a bet with my friends that I will be able to convince our new beautiful classmate to come and join us instead of remaining by herself. What do you say Frida, let us celebrate our first meeting"
- “No, I cannot. You know that I am married.”
- “Of course I know that. Don’t you know that it was the very reason for me to leave my parents, friends, everybody and everything behind and move away?”
Meeting each other after forty years was an unexpected turn of event for Frida.
It was an ordinary workday and Frida was immersed in her paperwork on her desk when a colleague came and let her know that a gentleman wanted to meet her.
- “By all means” Frida had said without distracting herself from the paperwork on her desk in front of her.
And unexpectedly,
- “Hello Frida"
- “Fouad !!!"
***
During their senior year they were already known as 'the couple'. Fouad was a year older than her. They were always together between classes as well as after school. Even during the class they were known to exchange gazes and appeared to communicate with each other in silence. At the end of the day, after they took leave of their classmates, with a pretext of going over homework, they took off to an undisclosed destination leaving the others guess where they went. Fouad didn't see it fit to introduce her to his parents. Frida in her turn had a reason not to introduce him to her family. She did not want him to see the small apartment she lived with her mother and five siblings.
Their senior year went by fast.
Frida looked stunningly attractive in her graduation white dress.
- “Throughout the graduation ceremony Fouad never took his gaze off of me, as if he was afraid that he might loose me, while I kept on telling him to be at ease. - Fouad dear, you don't have to worry, I won't be running away, I won't be abandoning you.”
- “Well Frida" I asked her impatiently, “how come after being so close to each other you drifted apart going your separate ways?"
- “Hold on, be patient. Don't tell me that you already got bored from my story".
"Imagine, when we first met again, the first thing both of us remembered was the graduation celebratory party we held in Fouad's parent’s house in their mountain resort, Bikfaya. The event was specially memorable for both us because he proposed marriage to me during that very evening and without getting my consent introduced me to his parents letting them know that he will be marrying me.”
- “Fouad's unilateral sudden announcement was unexpected for his parents as well as for me for very different reasons. For his parents it was way premature for Fouad had long years ahead of him to get his education and specialization to take over the family business. As for me, I was not prepared. Marriage for me was a grown up thing. In my sheltered life I had no inkling that commitment for marriage could be given at such an early age.”
After their high school graduation, lo and behold, both applied and were accepted to the same university. Fouad pursued engineering and Frida business and accounting.
- “You cannot imagine,” continued Frida, “how happy Fouad and I were together during our years in the university. During winter we would be indoors. During the summer we would be on a bench. Fouad had his ways for captivating me. I, who had aversion to a man’s touch, felt not only very comfortable Fouad holding my hands but also ecstatic. Admittedly, after the scholastic year was over, we did not see each other nearly as much. Fouad spent the summer in their summerhouse in the village and I worked to supplement our family’s income.”
***
Both had a lot to catch up to fill the void of their separation for almost four decades. Frida's office could not be the appropriate and right place to probe into the past after such an unexpected encounter. Therefore they agreed to meet in the evening after she left work. Both were impatient to meet. Uncharacteristically of her, Frida called home to let them know that there is food in the refrigerator and that she will be late coming home that evening because of an urgent matter at work she had to attend.
Frida was an attentive and dotting mother. After returning home from work in the evenings she attended to the household chores. She washed the clothes, ironed the shirts, and prepared the food for the next day. Her two grown up sons and her husband were not of much help to her. In fact, over the years, her husband and she had grown apart. Nazih seemed to have lost interest not only in her but in the family as well. Frida had been shouldering the responsibility of the family finances almost all by herself. That is why she had even contemplated often of running away. But where was she to run and what would become of her sons? Frida found solace in going to bed tired after doing her chores.
- “One day,” Frida continued recounting her life story, “years ago, I packed the necessary clothing and was all ready to leave the house, when I heard one of our babies crying. Apparently he wasn't feeling well that evening and needed to be comforted. So I changed my mind, cancelled my plan and went to bed in distraught and tears. The following day I went to work with red and swollen eyes.”
Fouad did not need to offer his family any explanation for his late arrival home. His wife and their two young children were in the U.S. His pretext for traveling to Lebanon had been visiting his parents and his extended family. Through them he had gathered information about Frida; where she worked, her office hours, etc. and wanted to surprise her after such a long separation. He was nurturing the idea of standing in front of her and say.
- “Hello Frida"
- “Fouad!”
***
– “When I first met you were wearing a yellow blouse and white pants. It was the first day of school. I remember the day as if it was only yesterday. It was a sunny autumn day. The sunrays were giving a special luster to your hair and were radiating from your face.”
- “Fouad, honestly speaking, I do not remember noticing you that day. I also do not want to reflect on my school days. Perhaps people thought that I was happy. The reality in fact was altogether different.”
The restaurant on the Mediterranean coast where they used to meet seemed to have lost its former appeal. The owner and the servers who used to welcome them were not there anymore. Vartan, the friendly waiter who welcomed them and led them to their reserved corner table and regularly served them had left. They reluctantly occupied the corner table they used to sit. Apart from the old faces that were not there anymore, there was also something missing in the overall ambiance; it was their youth.
The much-anticipated meeting of the two former lovers did not go as they had expected it would. Instead of reminiscing about their past, Fouad was acting the lover who hadn't overcome his rejection even after so many years. He was heartbroken, humiliated, and acted deceived. In fact it seemed over the years the rejection had grown in him to the extent that he seemed to have come to settle old wounds with Frida.
- “Why did you abandon me?” Fouad confronted Frida. “Why did you refuse my proposal and got married to someone else instead and rendered my life miserable. Was it wrong to having loved you? My God, my God, how i've missed you through all those years, but why?"
- “No Fouad , no, my dear. Maybe that was fated for me. You remember that my mother got sick during our last year in the university and needed all my attention and care. Her sickness and our dire financial situation as a family had depressed me and I did not know whom to turn to. I sheltered myself by isolating myself.”
- “But why didn't you tell me. Had I been privy of your predicament due to your family’s dire financial situation, I would have been there for you and done all I could to assist.”
- “I can tell you now Fouad, but I could not have dared to tell you then. I was ashamed, although in hindsight I should not have. We were a poor family. You must remember that I never invited you to our house because I felt ashamed to have you in our modest apartment. And then, you must remember that we seemed to have grown apart during our last year. I was with my sick mother while you were engrossed in your father’s business and seemed to have neglected me. I felt abandoned and alone.”
- “ You should have known that your family’s financial situation could not have mattered for me. I was left with the impression that you wanted to distance yourself from me.”
- “Strange, as it sounds now, I thought you were no longer interested in me and were distancing yourself from me and were looking for someone more on par to your family’s status. In the hospital, there was a sick lady in the same room with my mother. Nazih used to come and visit his mother daily. Both of us seemed fated to same situation with sick mothers and with families of modest means. That is how Nazih and I befriended and started feeling comfortable with each other and got married few months after our mothers were discharged from the government supported hospital.”
- “And after hearing the news of your sudden marriage, there seemed nothing left for me, so I decided to move away and leave behind what were very dear to me, Lebanon, you and my parental extended family.”
Instead of remising the past the evening turned into settling long overdue accounts.
Fouad returned to his family in the U.S. and Frida to her job in the bank.
I thought that was how their love story ended.
- “Not long after our meeting,” - Frida continued recounting her story, - “I received a message from Fouad telling me that he couldn't forget me and wanted to continue the rest of his life with me at his side. I thought it was a cruel joke. Both of us were married and had families of our own. But the message continued and continues to this day, as I recount my story to you,” said Frida and continued.
- “I am now at an age where reason should guide the course of the rest of my life. But, I have to admit. Meeting Fouad' and his calls and messages have rekindled in me youthful feelings that had apparently remained dormant in me but had never left me.” Said Frida matter factedly.
- “Now please please help me and show me the way out. Tell me what to do. My heart seems on the verge of overwhelming my reason…”
